The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
