Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
