I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
