if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
