Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
