dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
