you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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