So drunk its hurt
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
