Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
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BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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