I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
