I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
