Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
