My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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