I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
