omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
