He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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