i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
