if you like me you must not know who I am
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
