i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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