The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
