dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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