New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I did not marry a roomba.
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