I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
