It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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