I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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