Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
