I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
