I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it's great music for shaving your balls
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
