I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
