I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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