I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
