i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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