I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Everything about him screamed your future.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
