I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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