I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
