I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
