the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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