Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
