I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I still have a little drunk in my system
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
