now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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