Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
