she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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