If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want her autograph on my taint
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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