So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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