Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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