Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
