Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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