I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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