Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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