I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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