i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Randomize
