no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
